Hitch hikin'
I listened to this Bruce Springsteen track from Western Stars today.
Thumb stuck out as I go
I'm just travelin' up the road
Maps don't do much for me, friend
I follow the weather and the windI'm hitch hikin' all day long
Got what I can carry and my song
I'm a rolling stone just rolling on
Catch me now 'cause tomorrow I'll be gone
I am back in NYC after being away for nearly 2 weeks. My father passed away on November 1st. Being with family the whole time was comforting. It also kept me and my mind busy. We had each other to take care of.
But eventually we had to part ways. Go back to our regular lives. To be honest I am a bit lost. I’m not sure why I live in NYC anymore. LA feels like the better place to be as I’d be closer to family. Between LA and NYC there’s plenty of opportunity for me work wise. Coming up with an answer to stay is difficult.
There doesn’t seem to be a map or infrastructure for what to do next. I can’t google my way out of this. There are recommended things to do but what works for some doesn’t work for others.
I had a good routine and felt fairly productive these past few months but I’m giving myself time to talk to a therapist, process, and heal individually. Finally being home alone its starting to hit me that he’s gone. I dropped all of my client work but maybe I can still pursue personal projects and self-assigned homework. Not working would drive me crazy. I need something productive to do but just not client work.
It’s also frustrating because I am seeing so many others excel creatively right now, both strangers and friends/acquaintances. And I am envious! I am choosing to be happy for them but I struggle because that feeling does pop up. I hate that feeling. But I also want to be supportive and appreciate my friends work. I suppose if I was busy with my own projects this wouldn’t matter. I also know that projects are not finite, whether self assigned or client-based. They come when I put in effort. Did I just write myself out of this issue? Sort-of. This is a reminder I often have to give myself.
Aside from that I’ve deactivated most of my socials. I’m not making much and need a hard reset on how I use it. It’s become habit to open tabs and cycling through automatically typing in twitter dot com or whatever.