12:51am

Shit sucks sometimes but it is pretty cool to be alive in NYC right now, seems like everyone I meet is pouring their hearts and souls into music, photography, or a new business idea, and it’s special to see how careers grow and friends help each other along the way.

I am frustrated with myself because I still get caught up in the trap of can’t wait til I’m “successful” and forgetting to enjoy right now and the whole journey of figuring it out with my friends. I have it pretty damn good (shoutout central AC set to 69 degrees) but there are still bad days, we’re making ambitious and sometimes dumb mistakes and it can be very overwhelming like this run on sentence with no end in sight but it’s usually alright after a chat with your homies which I also forget or often feel like I may be a burden to. It feels insane to type that out but yo that’s how it fucking feels sometimes.

A friend diagnosed me as an insecure overachiever a few years ago but I don’t really feel that way especially because well I do another bad thing where I compare the hell out of myself to everyone else and man I’ve read those articles and books. Growth mindset this, habits that, the shit never gets fixed though probably because it’s never really something that turns off. I just gotta get better at responding to them or letting them go. Gotta update my operating system so ya boy stops buggin out.

And yeah there have been some successful moments but I still struggle with wanting more. I want to learn to want what I have right now. When I was on a couch I wanted a bed and then I got a bed in a shared room which made me want my own room, which I got but it was outside (yurt in SF lol) so then I wanted a room inside but it had no natural light and I wanted a room with light and in NYC which I got but then I wanted my own place which I now have but you know what some days its still not enough because it would be nice to live in lower Manhattan. But it all feels like I can lose it now in a second too. The wanting mentality bleeds into other parts of my life too however perhaps it can push me to do things I really want to do.

I remember one summer in college I was on break but taking summer school and I sat in on a practice with Stepboys that Green was having. They were a person short or something but it doesn’t matter, it required me standing in and I started to learn the choreography. At some point they asked if I’d be down to perform this choreo at World or Dance (or maybe it was another festival). I wasn’t in the crew or anything and I wasn’t probably going to be in it but it was a shot at maybe going in that direction.

I said I probably couldn’t do it because of school and I needed  time to study. I thought I was making the responsible choice even though my gut was like “brooooooo brooooooooooo, do that shit. “ I don’t even remember what class I needed to study for. Aint that some shit. I was so worried about the future and getting a job as an accountant I thought I couldn’t dance too. I shut myself out before even considering how it could be done. And now I’m neither a good dancer or an accountant (hallelujah for the latter tho). Then I found out there’s bboy dentists, doctors, lawyers and even hedge fund managers. 

I don’t make decisions like this anymore but it does creep up as my “default” occasionally. Through work and career I’ve figured out how to think slightly better which is a huge improvement. Ask more questions and get some data and just being more honest with myself and how to spend my time. 

I don’t even know where the hell I’m taking this but I needed to get it out. At the end of the day all we got is each other right? It would be a shame to not make it as interesting and fun as possible. I will now end this by saying I hope to write and express this more abstractly through films and videos versus in the future vs just pouring my heart out into the void of the internet.

Thanks for reading